You know how back in the day when you listened to a record player (oh, ya still do, do ya??) and sadly your favorite record would get a groove in it….a rut per se? And get stuck and repeat the same ole whatever over and over and over again?? Yeah. That’s me over here. I’m singing the same tune. And honestly I am tired of hearing my own self say it so I can’t imagine how someone around me would feel. But I think I am in the process of curing that as I pull back from everything and everyone again. I’ve done this before, too so I am a pro.
I have learned a few things over the span of a quite intense decade. No one likes for you to have an on-going “problem.” We are all true Americans at heart and really need you to wrap this depression session up and have a happy ending so we can be happy, too. I’ve watched family, friends, and others fall off the radar slowly one by one. I can only assume it is my own doing, but it hurts nonetheless. It’s ok to text about the weather and food, but please don’t go...there. To that dark place. To the reality of what is or what might be to come. Why? Because YOU’RE left to feel uncomfortable. Because it takes time out of your schedule. Although it hurts, I don’t get bitter. I just don’t because I totally get it. Like I already said… I’m tired of it, too. But I don’t get the luxury of turning the alarms off. I don’t get a day off from nightly med duties or calling and fighting with insurance companies or worrying about the bills or cleaning up the vomit..or worse worrying about their life… so I just keep on.
I think even I have hit a new low, though. I can feel “me” slowly losing myself or whatever form of myself I had evolved into. I thought being “on repeat” meant that since I had already walked this path that I would instinctively know what to do, thus making my life easier. HAHAHA. Oh my. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Whomever lead me to believe that lie is…. A LIAR. It’s a DIFFERENT child. I have more, scary knowledge. I am older. I am more tired. The list goes on. It’s not ok. I want to scream that aloud. IT’S NOT OK. I didn’t ok this, people. I didn’t ask for this. I know there’s some moron out there that’s shaking their head in disbelief that’s thinking… yeah, you idiot. You DID ask for it. And to that person I say….
I can feel how much more forced my smile and laugh is. And honestly I used to do both. I feel numb inside. Actually… I feel like there is a void. A dark empty hollow place where something else should be but I don’t even know what. My insides are crying and silent all in the same breath. I know there is nothing anyone or anything can do. I feel like whatever dreams I had dared to begin to dream again have literally just come crashing down…again.